I don’t know

if anything I have done will account for much or be worth the air I have consumed. I am trying to muddle through life as best as I can but mostly making a mess of it. I suppose with healing (as I wrote before), comes understanding that I am also part of the problem. understanding that sometimes no one is truly right. that there are two sides to every story. As Aldous Huxley found, in dealing with life, with others, empathy and kindness are perhaps all that truly matter.

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it won’t matter

in 100 years who I am or what I did. I know that I am but a drop in the ocean, a breath amongst a lifespan. Sometimes I want to be something, something more than daughter, sister, wife, mother. Sometimes I want to have a life remembered by more than my small circle of loved ones. Sometimes I want to be remembered as having made some useful/valuable contribution to society. But I suppose that even human civilization itself is a drop in a bigger expanse of time. So I go on as in the words of Qoheleth “all is vanity”. Our lives are an instant in this space, a grand dream, a season in the sun. And I suppose I shall live it as best I can, amongst my own obscurity.

I became a mother

and the world changed but in subtle ways. I changed but in subtle ways.  My life is full of three year old tantrums, four year old asking “why”, one year old toilet exploratories. And I am left wanting some purpose to this existence – my existence. But even my thoughts are interrupted (sometimes even stolen) by potty emergencies, sudden intense sibling fighting, falls, hugs, play hide and seek with me Mommy.Even this blog I’m sure will come to abrupt closures. But, this blog caters to my voice, which I have always wanted to have. Some of the change in me has come about because I am beginning to realize that I am okay, even in my obscurity. I will try to be the best Mother I can be but even the lives of my children are dictated more by their innate character and the circumstances that surround them than by anything I will do. I can only try my best to give them the best of circumstances, to shape their character in righteousness